Tribal sex

Sex and spirit: are there two topics that could be more interesting? From time to time, I’ll be using this blog to explore the dance between passion and transcendence, the place where bodies and spirits touch.

Not all sex happens within a relationship. While many men equate sex with love and intimacy, many other men do not. Men who make a distinction between sex and romantic love are looking for something else. For some it is simple pleasure or erotic relief. For others there is another quality to this part of their erotic selves – a sense of connection to an erotic tribe of gay men.

It’s Saturday night in Atlanta and Richard is on the prowl. He heads to his favorite dance club. His shirt comes off and before long he has worked up a sweat dancing to the driving beat of hot new music. The sensation of dancing alone in the crowd makes him feel united with something beyond himself, although he might have a hard time putting it into words. He feels alive and connected in a way that makes him high. He senses that he is part of this community of sexy, writhing men is important to him, even though he hasn’t spoken a word other than to order a drink during the first two hours of his night out. He feels sexy and alive in a primal way.

It’s well past midnight now and Richard drives off and heads downtown to his loft with William. The bass beat still makes his head pound – but that’s not the only part of him throbbing. The connection he felt on the dance floor echoes within him as he and William undress one another and explore each other’s bodies.

Tribes have certain rituals; members have ways of acknowledging one another. Some tribes are homogeneous, with everyone looking and behaving pretty much alike; other tribes make room for all sorts of members, so long as they go along with the rituals and rules. Gay tribes come in both flavors.

Miles away in New York, Mark is headed to a sex club he visits when he is in town. Once there he undresses and joins the other towel clad men walking the hallways. Sometimes there’s a nod or a smile or an exchange of pleasantries; more often there is only a quick glance. The music and smell of the place is familiar and exhilarating. To Mark it smells like sex.

After making the rounds and checking out who’s here, Mark heads to a dimly lit room where a circle of ten men stand. All are naked. They are pleasuring themselves, standing shoulder to shoulder and urging one another on. Mark finds himself wondering why is this so exciting, when none of these men is really his type. Maybe it’s being together with other men who are shameless and feeling the same thing. He begins to surrender to the building excitement.

Separating love and sex isn’t always good for you, of course. Sex can become compulsive, and looking for one sex partner after another can be a way of avoiding the challenges of intimate relationships. Continually being on the hunt can mean never simply allowing yourself to enjoy feeling content. And cruising for sex can be a problem if it serves as a way of distracting yourself from other problems in life that you would be better off addressing.

It’s too simplistic, though, to make the judgment that all men who have sex in tribal settings are avoiding one-on-one intimacy.

Ben is on a retreat at a ranch in the California wine country. At least once each year he comes here for a program that helps him to get more in touch with his spirituality and his sense of himself. If you ask him, though, he’ll freely admit that spending six days naked with three dozen other gay men is a big part of the experience for him. He enjoys the sense of camaraderie and he likes the touch. He’s been coming here long enough that the experience of driving up the mountain seems like entering a deeper spiritual dimension to him. For Ben, this place has become holy ground.

Connecting raising erotic energy with the sense of tribal bonding these men feel is a powerful experience – especially for those of us living in communities where we can feel isolated, or where we have outgrown our familial or cultural roots. This sense of connection isn’t something everyone encounters, but for those who do it can be an important experience.

Americans are optimists and have a long history of experimenting with utopian communities that haven’t worked out well. In the same way, it is important for men who connect with this tribal erotic energy to cultivate an ability to reflect on their experience. Take a look. Is connecting with the group a substitute for finding a deep relationship with one individual? Does the sense of tribal connection require everyone to act and look just the same, or are men of other races, looks, abilities and ages welcome? Is there an unhealthy pressure to conform? Will you be kicked out of this seeming paradise when you reach a certain age?

For men who are part of the erotic tribe, taking a look at safer sex practices is especially important. Is any sex that takes place safer sex? Is there a place for self-disclosure, or would saying to someone “We need to use a condom, I have HIV” be seen as odd? Allowing your sense of tribal connection with others to become an excuse for avoiding taking care of yourself or others with whom you connect is just another way of being in denial.

Sexual self-expression in all its glory is something our gay male community has traditionally valued. Take time to stay conscious about your choices and the events in which you take part and celebrate your life.

Comments

[dan]

My partner and I seriously need to attend a workshop to enhance our sex life. It's me that needs the workshop the most. I love him dearly. However, I'm not attracted to him anymore. Are there workshops coming up that are not far from Maryland. I'd even be willing to travel up or down the East Coast to attend one.

Dan:)

[Christian]

Hi Dan ... I just wanted to let you know I read your post about you not being attracted to your partner anymore. I wanted to reach out and tell you that I really admire you wanting to work on yourself to see if you cannot maintain your relationship and keep it in good standing. And I also felt led to talk openly with you. I see that you are a musician. I am one too. It seems that we musicians or artists can be in constant need for visual or auto stimulation. This is what makes us 'artists' after all. We pick up on a vibe and seek to learn from that thing all we can while it is with us. Sex is a very creative thing, simply because it is very emotional. Art and emotion go hand in hand too. But the thing is ... when you are with the same person and doing the SAME things over and over again FOR YEARS ... and then when that individual shows absolutely NO CREATIVITY to move things along and make them more interesting ... well it can be absolute agony for an artistic personality! I know I have been there before. I have learned with me, I always seem to partner with men who are less creative than me, so knowing this now ... I see that it is more so my responsibility to take the initiative to keep things going in an interesting direction. But sometimes I get tired of it. And like most people, you wonder about what's out there that could be new and interesting ... in regard to another bedmate. But I know that is really not the answer, and Spirituality I do not trust sharing my sex life with an outside party because I do not want another person's energy coming in and corrupting what my partner of the past 9 years have. To me no sex is worth that. Between my partner and I we have years of trust and respect, so to remedy, from time to time we do fantasy role play in regard to that. But once we are done imagining. I always feel led to reassure him and tell him that HE is still the one I want. And I find that the intimacy after expressing this is very fulfilling. Another thing I have learned to do is pray a great deal. I actually ask God/Christ/Spirit to help us have better sex. I ask that we sexually and intimately find the Light of God between us and be helped to build on it so that we be caused to grow. I also ALWAYS ask for Spiritual protection from those things that could knock me off my life purpose. I do not ever want to get caught up in something that is going to lead me and my life and my self-esteem into destruction. And I know those kinds of energies are indeed out there. All one has to do is look at the trail of lost lives that could have known greatness to see that.

So pray ... and pray together as a couple as much as possible. We can forget that it is from God we all came, and the Light of God is within us. We we seek out that Light, especially with the one we Love and are building our lives with ... it can only make us stronger! Seek to make Love and balance that out with also seeking to have fun with sex. I find that too many men are afraid to make Love. They are afraid of allowing their emotions to be made vulnerable. As sexually diverse men, we are going to need to work on that! Cause all the fantasy stuff can make you go way out there ... and when it is all said and done ... YOU STILL need to make sure you tell him ... that he is still the one you want.

Blessings, Light, Laughter and Love!
Christian