No Longer Judge: Jesus as Healer

by Darrell Grizzle

When I was a child, our Baptist church produced a Christmas play each year called "From the Christ Child to the Judgment."  The play included the typical elements of a Christmas pageant -- the wise men, the angels, the manger scene -- in its first half.  But in the second half, the play fast-forwarded into the future, to the end of time, "the judgment seat of Christ."  Jesus was no longer in the infant in the manger, "meek and mild."  Now he was seated at the right hand of God, and he was passing judgment on all the poor souls brought before him. Most of them ended up being cast into hell, the lake of fire -- portrayed in the play as the small side-entrance next to the choir loft, its walls covered with aluminum foil.  Whenever the angels in the play would physically drag a character into the room, the door would open and a red strobe light would flash against the aluminum foil while the folks inside the room would scream hideously.  At this point the damned soul would start struggling, and the angels would become bouncers with wings, casting him roughly into hell while kicking and screaming, begging for a mercy which did not come.

The effect was so powerful that all of us children in the church avoided using that side-entrance all year long, even if it meant walking all the way around the church to enter.

I'm sure if I saw the play now, the acting and the special effects would be laughable.  But to a small child, the pageant was terrifying.  And so by extension, Jesus himself, the merciless judge who cast those poor souls into hell, was terrifying.  As early as age 8, I knew I was different:  I knew that my fascination with Tarzan and other men was wrong, and if I didn't keep my feelings hidden way down deep inside, I might end up as one of the "homersexuals" our country Baptist preacher railed against from time to time.

And so my relationship with Jesus was not one of love, but one of fear.  I knew I had to keep him happy at all costs, or else I'd be cast into the everlasting lake of fire.

It took me years to break away from the fundamentalist religion I grew up with and to finally accept myself as the gay man God created me to be.  I was fortunate enough to find another spiritual tradition -- two of them, actually -- to replace the condemnatory religion of my childhood.  I began to relate to God in a drastically different way, through the Franciscan prayer I learned in the Episcopal Church I joined when I finally came out of the closet:  "Gentle loving God, mother of my soul, hold me as your own."  This was a very different God from the one I grew up with!  This was a God who didn't judge me, but who nurtured me, accepted me as just as I am -- and who saw my sexuality not as a sin, but as a precious gift.  I remember how dumbfounded I was, during those early days out of the closet, when I read Chris Glaser's image of spirituality and sexuality as two equally important and sacred partners in the dance of the soul (from his wonderful book of prayers, Coming Out to God).  I began to open myself up to the healing presence of God, who sought to integrate these two aspects of my soul, not to elevate one above the other.  I began to experience this healing presence in a very real and personal way, and I slowly came to recognize that for me, this healing presence was (and still is) Jesus.

And so I began to relate to Jesus not as my judge, but as my Healer.  I began to read the Gospel stories of Jesus (including those in the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas) in a new way.  Jesus was a Healer, a Wisdom Teacher who could sometimes be hard to understand, but whose presence always brought healing and wholeness to those who were open to receive it.  In fact, the only ones who angered Jesus were the religious fundamentalists of his day, the ones who sought to exclude the "sinners" Jesus accepted and loved.

My relationship with Jesus the Healer was also deepened by my study of Sufism.  If you've read the beautiful poetry of the great Sufi mystic Rumi, you know that Sufis see God as the Divine Beloved.  Rumi saw in his love and longing for his beloved male friend, Shams of Tabriz, a mirror of his love and longing for God, the Divine Beloved.  One of the zikrs (sacred chants) of the Sufi tradition is "Ishq Allah, Mabud Allah!" -- God is Love, God is the Beloved.  The Love, the Lover, and the Beloved are One.  As I came to know God more deeply through the spiritual practices I learned in the Sufi Healing Order, I came to see Jesus as the Divine Beloved, the lover of my soul. 

This is my favorite poem by Rumi, as translated by Coleman Barks in his book, The Essential Rumi:

I called through your door,

"The mystics are gathering

in the street.  Come out!"

"Leave me alone.

I'm sick."

"I don't care if you're dead!

Jesus is here, and he wants

to resurrect somebody!"

The Jesus I grew up with, the angry judge who wanted to send me to hell for being gay, is dead.  And in his place is resurrected a healing presence who gives me the love and acceptance I need for my own resurrection, my own journey toward healing and wholeness, day to day.

I still believe Jesus is the Son of God -- but I now know that we are all Sons and Daughters of God.  In my love for Jesus the Healer, Jesus the Divine Beloved, I can now recognize the divinity in myself and in us all -- just as Rumi recognized the beauty of God in the beauty of the face of his beloved Shams of Tabriz.

From the current issue (Winter 2005) of Visionary: The Journal of Gay Spirit Visions.

Comments

[Derrick Bishop]

Thank you for your inspiring messages.

[Sue]

Thank you for the article: No Longer the Judge, Jesus the Healer. I found it healing and comforting. This past week I received word that my 24 year old son was arrested for sexual assualt on a male minor about 1500 miles from home. Because of the distance, communicating and getting information this week has been difficult. I had no idea that my son was ever involved in such behavior. I do not know if my son is gay or if he might have been sexually abused as a child and is now abusing other children. This is something that he has hidden from the family. It has been a a very painful week. I don't know where to turn or how to help my son. Obviously there are legal issues as well as moral and sexual ones. He had such a promising carreer. The future looks so uncertain and bleak. Your article brought me some comfort and hope. Thank you.

[Oscar]

What???!!!
I am sorry you feel that way. You are confused. But you are right in one aspect, Jesus loves homosexuals, but he loves them as well as he loves liers, criminals, abusers, cheaters, prostitutes, and all kinds of sinners, including me. He loves us all, but he hates our sin, he hates our sinful nature. That's why he provided salvation through his death and resurrection. Or would you say that because Jesus loves a killer he does not care if he keeps killing people? That's nonsense. He certainly loves him, but he wants to change him to what He created him to be. I hope you realize you are wrong before it is too late.

[Darrell Grizzle]

Thank you, Oscar, for so vividly demonstrating the fundamentalist mentality God rescued me from. By the way, does your pastor know you're surfing gay websites?

hugs and kisses,
Darrell