Gay Frot: A Second Sexual Revolution?

SOULFULLY GAY

By JOE PEREZ

“We didn’t have sex, we just rubbed our cocks together.” “I only have oral sex with my boyfriend, so does that mean we’ve never had real sex?” “He fucked my ass, but I didn’t get hard or cum. Does it still count?”

It seems that nobody can agree on what real sex is.

Conservative religionists very often define real sex like so: it must involve one man and one woman and must be open to the possibility of procreation. This view has seeped into the mainstream cultural mindset, and today many people view penetrative, hetero sex as the gold standard.

The mainstream gay culture has a different view on real sex. By and large, the dominant ethos is that everyone’s definition of sex is equal. Real sex is whatever somebody says it is. You should always avoid making judgments of others.

In practice, however, attitudes about sex are less relativistic. Gay men have generally adopted the hetero-like gold standard: straights have cock and pussy, and gays have cock and asshole. Gay men define their sexuality by their status as top, bottom, or versatile. For many of us, real sex must involve penetration.

Is there a way to come to greater agreement about real sex? I think there is. We must acknowledge that definitions of sex evolve from the lowest level (biology equals destiny) to a higher level (relativism) to a still higher, integrative view.

Is it possible to define real sex in a way that honors pluralism and holds that sex has intentionality and a design by nature? My own integral attempt is to start by defining a “base position” or “root metaphor”: sex is primarily about the giving and receiving of sexual energy from one person to another through the mingling of genitals; secondarily, sex may also involve oral, anal, and other non-genital means of bodily pleasuring.

The first thing you may notice about this definition is it says sex is mainly about the exchange of sexual energy, not simply about procreation or pleasure. All people carry a sexual energy that can be described as yang (or other-directed), yin (or same-directed) or balanced. Sex is the mingling of erotic energy in a sort of wrestling match (yang and yang), erotic dance (yang and yin), or erotic striptease or autoerotic play (yin and yin).

The second thing you may notice about this definition is it says sex is mainly about the mingling of genitals. This may come as a surprise to many in the gay community who have adopted the hetero standard that says sex has to be penetrative (that is, a cock penetrating a mouth or an asshole). Mouths and assholes aren’t genitals.

As a sex act, genital mingling is a great candidate for elevating to the core of sex because it involves symbolism that is universal, harmonious, symmetrical, and profoundly respectful of masculinity and femininity. Certainly it can be successfully argued that cock and pussy or cock and cock go together symbolically more than, say, cock and hand or cock and mouth.  There is a certain elegant beauty to defining sex as bringing together two genitals.

I call this definition of sex integral because it allows us to honor the many different ways of sexual being that are present in our culture while showing how they fit together in a bigger picture. It doesn't reduce all ideas about sex to individual taste or whim. Instead, it suggests that sex is being who we truly are and expressing our highest nature in harmony with a natural and sacred design.

If something like this definition of sex is valid, then there are some types of sex that gay culture radically undervalues. Metaphorically speaking, we like to dance, but we have lots to learn about wrestling and showing off. Gay culture mainly honors sex linked to the expression of balanced sexual energy (that is, oral and anal sex). But we neglect both yin sexual expressions (self-presentation, autoerotic play) and yang (cock rubbing).

The official term for cock rubbing is frot (or frottage). Frot gets little of the respect it deserves. But an active frot movement in the gay community is working to change all that. They define real sex strictly as genital-on-genital contact, and they’re working to establish frot as something like a new gold standard. Some, such as activist Bill Weintraub, envision the cockrub movement as nothing less than a second sexual revolution.

In an interview with Jack Nichols, Weintraub explained the appeal of cockrubbing: “For many men, cockrubbing is their first experience of gay sex, something that, in the course of boyhood tussling or perhaps a sleepover, happens spontaneously…. And most guys into cockrubbing will tell you that as adults it continues to feel instinctive, uncontrived and unconstrained, primeval and free.”

For more, visit Weintraub’s The Man2Man Alliance [man2manalliance.org], a coalition of men who practice phallus-to-phallus sex. Hundreds of men have added their personal posts to the site.

Some frot activists occasionally go overboard in their enthusiasms. I think it’s wrong to say that supporting frot sex means disowning anal sex or claiming the latter is inherently degrading, unnatural, or disease-spreading. But these sex activists are more than entitled to challenge a few sacred cows, however controversial their questionable views may be.

The Man2Man Alliance gives a provocative introduction to men with a new vision of sex, a vision in tune with the historical emphasis on manly love between heroes and warriors. They’re into man on man mating, not just the rubbing of genitalia. And they’re into love between men who are strong, noble, decent, and caring. These are ideas whose time has come.

Soulfully Gay is a bi-weekly column that explores spirituality and culture from a gay man’s perspective. His first book, a spiritual journal, will be published in the fall of 2006 by Shambhala/Integral Books. Visit Joe’s weblog at www.joe-perez.com.

This post now lives at http://gayspirituality.zaadz.com/blog/2005/10/gay_frot_a_second_sexual_revolution. Please update your bookmarks accordingly . . . and add your comments to the new post.

Comments

[Loveandlight]

Kudos to you for keeping an open mind about what's on this website. I mostly agree with it even if I think the webmaster needs to get a grip sometimes. And if you're going to e-mail Bill Weintraub, the webmaster, be warned that you will likely be personally attacked if you don't parrot his teachings exactly.

[Oscar Moreno Vallejo]

Thank you for your article Mr. Perez Its wonderful. The Man2Man Alliance sites are all about health and pleasure. Frot is clean hot and safe gay sex. Its exactly what we need. I am 26 but I have an active sexual and social life as a gay man since I am 14 ( My first boyfriend was 25) and in this 12 years I saw the death of 10 of my friends. 10. And I am 26. No straight person that I know has a similar experience. Bill Weintraub lost his lover and saw 200 men die.
I think that its perfectly healthy and reasonable to be upset about this. That's why we promote frot and criticize anal penetration. Nobody is attacking people's RIGHT to practice it but as you properly said it we challenge this sacred cow. There are no sacred cows. Anal penetration is not homosexuality. And Frot is the cheapest and most pleasurable anti-AIDS vaccine.

[Steve]

I've obviously come into this discussion a little late, but I felt I had to counter what appears to be an endorsement of a movement that in short, is a very homophobic, and regressive one that serves to create a culture of puritanical finger wavers.

The frot movement and Bill Weintraub really are not at all about trying to endorse an activity they find pleasureable. They may very well enjoy frot, and I support their strong voice in that regard. It is when that voice articulates some of the most self hating, vile, intellectually vacant, and ultimately regressive views that I will take offence.

Joe I find it interesting that the only nod you give to anything that may come across as I describe above, as no more than "some frot activists occasionally go overboard in their enthusiasm".

Did you read the website? Do you agree that feminine gay men are "bitchy empty shells of human beings that live only to bend over and take it up their mancunt like a bitch"? That is word for word from Mr. Weintraub off his site. A similar tone and style of language run through every post. I have a very hard time picturing you overlooking these not so subtle bigoted and presumptive views.

Cheers,

Steve

[Joe Perez]

Hi Steve,

I don't disagree with your criticisms of the frot site. What you said is true. There's some very disagreeable stuff there.

Consider that my column is limited to 1,000 words. I believed it was more important to communicate what I did about the frot movement rather than turn the piece into an attack on its flaws. I wouldn't say I "endorsed" the movement, but I would say that I encouraged men who find value in frot to check it out, and to be aware that there are some problematic aspects. I really do think they're onto some good work, and not just a bunch of loonies.

btw, I had a second column planned, and requested an e-mail interview with Weintraub. When he got my questions--most of which were very critical--he chose not to respond. Perhaps I'll revisit the subject in the future with a more critical focus. And so thanks for your feedback...

Joe

[Darrell Grizzle]

I'm a gay man whose body does not respond well to anal sex -- my prefered mode of sexual expression is frot and, to a lesser degree, oral sex. I'm glad Bill Weintraub is making more people aware of frot, but I'm deeply bothered by the vicious attitude he takes toward those who do engage in anal sex. He does NOT represent all of us who enjoy frot.

[Steve]

Joe,

Thanks for the timely response. It was refreshing to read your words, as I have read your work for some time, and an endorsement of this form of bigotry seemed to go against what you are about in both the affect and the intentions behind your written word.

I originally felt similar to yourself in so far as the regard that there is a certain denial of individuals who do not ascribe to the dominant gay cultural view. But the more I read, and the more I have had contact with the Frot movement, and here I speak of Bill Weintraub and his few very vocal memebers that provide the soundbites on all their "policy", the more I am convinced the intention is less than honorable.

Though I will say from that same contact, and from the above letter, most of the men who enjoy Frot as an activity, and not something they see as their nirvana, are everyday gay men who simply don't have an interest in anal sex. They need to be suopported on that issue, I agree.

Sincerely,

Steve

[Joe Perez]

Good comments... I'd love to see a really positive, healthy community that supported gay men in frot and promoted a frot lifestyle. I doubt that Weintraub's is the one, though, infected as it is with prejudices against those who disagree with their sometimes outlandish views. Still, there's always hope, so long as men can create fresh alternatives...

[Mike]

I have mixed feelings about Bill. I'm a gay man who loves frot and who just doesn't enjoy anal sex. Bill's site has done a lot of good in helping frot men find each other and to realize that we aren't alone. I don't know why gay culture prefers to pretend we don't exist, but I'm often bewildered by the hostility I sometimes (not always come across) when I say what I'm into.

However, I don't put down the men who love anal sex, and I have some dear friends who are femmy and/or drag queens. Bill has said some poisonous, hateful things about gay men who don't fit his concept of masculinity, and he's going to have to outgrow his venom if he's going to get anyone to listen to him. That said, I've noticed that he's radicalized over the years partly as a reaction to the gay press' general refusal to acknowledge the existence of frot men. If the gay press hadn't been so rude and vicious in the first place, I think Bill would not have become so venomous himself.

I have to disgree with the poster who says he attacks anyone who disagrees with him. I've argued with him in several e-mails, and his replies have been perfectly respectful.

[Mike]

I also just noticed that one of the posters here, Steve, ripped into Bill for being cruel. So then I check out Steve's blog and find out that he's considerably meaner, so I'm wondering where he gets off criticizing anything Bill does.

[Al]

As the co author of the website you refer to Mike, I have a hard time seeing how you view anything as "mean". If you refer to the articles Steve or I have written about the Frot movement, (not the act), then I would agree the opinions are strong. I would also offer that they are accurate.

My experience with Mr. Weintraub, along with Steve's, has been one that has shown him to be cruel, hateful,disrespecting of the inherent rights of others to engage sexually as they so desire, and manipulative with gross misuse of HIV statistics.

If Steve's responses are harsh, I suggest they need to be. It is interesting you feel the need to mention this on a site such as this one, however you seem to not be concerned enough to leave a comment on the site you thought was "mean". Interesting.

Al

[Mike]

I used the word "mean" because across several posts, Steve made very clear that he considers men who prefer frot to be regressive, self-hating and deluded. Come on, saying he almost threw up when a guy mentioned cockrubbing without preaching about it? That sounds pretty vindictive to me. He's letting his disagreements with Bill spill over into his opinions of guys who prefer frot in general.

And while I strongly disagree with some of the things Bill says, I can't help but think that Steve reacts so viscerally because temperamentally, they're very much alike. Sometimes they both remind me of my students screaming at each other.

[Max]

The problem with the B.W:s site is related to hes personality. Hes that type of human being that is not possible to take critics, in a human way.
Thats why other things he writes is anti-human.
Its a good thing to help frot-men find each other, ofcourse, but its too little done in other countries than u.s.a. Here in Sweden there are nearly no members at that site though there are many many men that like frottage.
One thought is, why do propaganda for a certain form of sex? People do that forms tyey like, due to their natural feelings.
That type of propaganda is stupid.
And that is too complicated for B-.W. to catch.
Bye

[Don Musial]

www.heroichomosex.org launched a liberating and truth-finding excursion for me. You have to get through some of the over-board stuff about warrior fighting and anal, but then you get to the real deal which is about fidelity and loyalty and real love.

How about living a heroic life? Our whole country could use some real heroes, people with moral courage. I was liberated from the banalities and superficialities for what passes as gay culture these days. It is time for another revolution, that truly helps men who sexually-emotionally love other men find an authentic spiritual path through life, not the wasteland, dead-end delusionary lifestyle that seems to be so prevalent for gay men.

As Bill says, "Think about it."

[frotbro]

A quick question Max. Why is it that when someone mentions gay men having sex, in the popular culture the first thing that pops into their heads is anal sex?

Why is is that when someone talks about a straight man enjoying anal sex with a woman, he sexually is suddenly brought into question?

The Idea of Anal sex as it relates to gay men is ingrained into the psyche of most people. That is a result of propaganda on the other side. Safe sex educator refusing to talk about any thing else but anal sex, "use a condom every time" campaigns as if every time you have sex it must include penetration. Gay publications the promotion of Lube and endless condoms. The censorship by the gay press of any alternative to anal sex.

When you ask someone what frot is they usually have no clue, that includes gay men and heterosexuals alike.

Is that fair and balanced? Is the frot movement releasing propaganda or are we just trying to be heard, when most people have no clue who we are.

You would think that gay men would be aggravated that whenever sex between them is mentioned it has the air of shit vaguely in the back of everyones mind. Gay men should really take that as an insult but instead they embrace it.

So when a man takes that idea as an insult, and tries to bang back against it with gusto he is automatically a propagandist.

You know Damn well that The idea of anal sex clouds out all other forms of sex, including Mutual Masturbation, Oral and Frottage in people minds.

I don't understand why you men can't be honest and admit that?