My Apologies

Forgive me: I've not been living up to my commitment to GS&C Blog. In fact, I've not been living up to my commitment to my own blog: a lot of things have been weighing on me and I have continually deleted nearly everything I've written. I've deemed each post unnecessarily snarky or needlessly critical. I don't say this to up my pride points... but to note where my brain is. The snarkiness is not caused by my work or my love life or my health or my social life (there's always room for change and growth, but nothing is abnormally wrong just now): I'm wading through some interesting choices. Until I make them it's not going to get any easier.

The following questions make this process sound urgent and important: How does one integrate a realisation of the reality of (unanswerable) questions with a strong sense that some things are really true (but maybe not "scientifically' provable)? How does one integrate a sense of personal responsibility for what the "still small voice" is saying in one's heart with a strong distaste for the homophobia and anal retentiveness of the majority of people who claim to hear that same voice?

The following two questions are, perhaps more important, and more realistic: How does one get over one's prideful and negative judgement of the small group of people who claim to hear that same voice, agree with one on most things and, in the areas they disagree leave room for one to believe the promptings of his own heart? How does one get over one's prideful and negative judgement of the conservative majority and embrace both parts with love?

Some half-formed ideas are circulating through my head on all of this. I feel as though I've painted myself into a corner and, while waiting for the paint to dry I risk swooning from the fumes.

My co-religionists will tell me to bring this to my priest - don't worry, I've an appointment on Friday. But I wonder where readers go when they get into a corner? Is it easy to back out? Does your pride trip you up? What do you do? When I was involved in neopaganism, this would be a time for me to sit down with my teacher and ask her for a tarot consultation. Given that such oracles are forbidden to Christians, I'm a little short-staffed in that department.

So where now?

Comments

[peter]

I'm not a follower of a particular religion, so I cannot talk directly to your quandary.

But as a man who is attracted to other men and at the same time feels not at all at home in the gay subculture I can relate to the dilemma of avowing one truth and feeling compelled – for one's sense of integrity – to disavowing an alliance to a group of people who share that very same thing.

I was at a concert the other night and I didn't like at all the way the pianist played a particular Mozart piece. While talking to a friend afterwards, who was with me and had a good time I realized that sometimes I seem to be convinced that my personal preference ought to be the standard for everybody else. There was no problem really – I was not called upon protecting Mozart from this performer or from getting a bad rap in general. (For all I know he might have actually enjoyed the performance...)

And then there is this friend of mine at work who belongs to a fundamentalist church. I have very little tolerance for that kind of faith, but for him his church provides a place of strength and sustenance to bring up his two kids after his wife ran away. I have the highest respect for his sense of responsibility and the way he is attuned to the needs of those kids.

I better stop here before I totally start to babble.

I wish you a lot of patience with yourself
Peter