I went to
Catholic school for six years and attended daily Mass 6 days a week so
I have quite an intimate relationship with guilt because it’s so built
into that particular religious system. The theory is that we are born
in original sin, not good enough right from the gate but that we can be
forgiven for the transgression of being born if we do certain things in
a certain way. In Mass we admit that we are not worthy of God and that
we’ve offended God by our very physical existence. We affirm it out
loud as a group over and over week after week as a kind of hypnotic
trance of group worthlessness. Ah, good times.
Though I long ago left the church itself, leaving guilt behind was not quite so easy. I had to learn to deeply question my own thinking, my own mind programming. I had to take a much closer look to see if in fact I had offended the Universal Creator somehow. I had to inquire within myself and stop taking the word of others. I had to set myself free from religious tyranny. I came to see that I’d felt guilty about a lot of things that had nothing to do with me and that I’d simply been improperly taught.
What came to me in this process is the realization that for me, guilt is regret over something we’ve done, whereas shame is guilt over who or what we are. I think that there can be a healthy kind of remorse that you might call guilt when we’ve done something thoughtless and hurtful to another person or to ourselves. But, I see it as a temporary alarm system within that tells us that we’re off track so that we can do something about it – make amends, change our behavior, apologize, and then release the guilt just like shutting off the alarm clock once you’ve awakened.
Shame is a whole other matter. There is tremendous shame built into the society. Shame is not natural. We are taught shame by the culture, which is why some people have more of it and some have less depending on how much of it they were taught by their environment. No baby is born with a shame-impulse. It is learned. There is so much shame over the body itself – it’s too fat, it’s too old, sickly, balding, or not the “right” sex or color, whatever that means. And each culture has different standards. It’s too big in some places and too small in others. It needs to be covered up in certain places and some parts of it are dirty and nasty. Add to that having the “wrong” sexuality and you’ve got a formula for shame acted out as addictive behavior, stress, self-mutilation, abusive relationships and any number of other maladaptive behaviors.
A fledgling healer who was seeing a lot of gay men in his brand new practice had just read a book on shame among the gay community and asked me in almost exasperation, “Does anyone ever get better?”
Well, in my experience, it’s the question itself that is flawed. What is better anyhow? Once again, it’s the outdated idea that health is getting rid of sickness and disease – that shame is something we can “get rid of” once and for all and then we’ll be in this mythical static state of psychologically spiritually “better.” He’d somehow unknowingly bought into a shame-based model of what “better” is – that it is a certain form of relationship, a certain kind of external stability in conditions, that it includes monogamy, a long-term career – well, basically the American dream that is crumbling all around us and keeps many people stressed out and living either in deep depression or just on the edge of one.
But in reality, life is in constant flux and change. If shame has ever been an issue for you, it is likely that at some point it will come up again to some degree. This is not failure or a sign that you are still “messed up” somehow and it shouldn’t be seen as such. Healing only happens in the present moment. The issue isn’t that someone said or did something and it unexpectedly brought up feelings of toxic shame nor is it that you may still have some level of shame that you deal with in your day-to-day life – the issue is what are you going to do about it in this moment? If there is shame present it’s because at some level we believe some stressful thought that creates the feeling of shame. And we can question those thoughts. We can investigate for ourselves and see why we are so concerned about what others may or may not be thinking about us. We can in that moment release ourselves from the prison of shame that tries to tell us how to live our lives. I remember years ago being too ashamed of my old beat-up car to take it through the valet at a nice hotel where I was the MC for an important fund-raiser. No one made me feel that way. It came from my own unquestioned beliefs about myself.
The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. (Steve Bantu Biko)
I have to say that I have encountered less internal shame over being a gay man than I have over my own body and even sometimes my status as a 48-year-old bachelor. I have had instances when people imposed their own belief systems that partnered is better on me and treated me with pity when in fact I was much happier than they were. Still, a flash of shame sometimes came over me because I’d “failed” to do what society says is the correct thing to do. It’s hard to not start to defend something that needs no defense – to resist trying to make someone else feel more comfortable with a personal choice that is none of their business. Every fairy tale, advertising campaign, religious system and tribe seems to point to settling down as the only possibly correct and happy way to live. And of course you should be heterosexual, Christian, monogamous, homeowners with a fascinating career and a child on the way. If you are outside of that, there is something wrong with you no matter how happy you may actually be.
Shame is a fabulous way to get us to buy things. The whole country may be on the verge of a great wake-up call of what it really costs to be tyrannized by the endless pursuit of the things they tell us we should be and that we need. A lot of people bought houses because we’re brainwashed from the day we’re born that home ownership is the Holy Grail. In this country, many of our prisons are internal. They don’t have to lock up our bodies when our minds have become so easily oppressed by pretty shiny life-styles. It’s quite a trade-off – choosing a lifestyle instead of a life.
How do we get free? One thought at a time.
As I daily offer my thoughts to the Divine Spirit to be healed, I realize that I don’t have to believe something even if the whole rest of the world believes it. I have the freedom to investigate what is true for me right now in this moment. I can ask for Guidance. And I also make a daily list of where I am getting it right in my life and in doing so I am increasing my inner-health rather than trying to get rid of something negative. I take stock of the ways in which I am taking good care of myself while sustaining happy relationships with others.
I find that a lot of shame and anxiety is neutralized when we begin to focus on cultivating peace and self-love rather than by fighting against their opposites. If I turn on the light, the darkness simply vanishes. For me, stress is the thought, “I can have what I want” and peace is the thought, “I can want what I have.” Wanting and appreciating what I already have puts me back in the present moment instead of on the treadmill of trying to reach some impossible egoic goal that is nothing more than a carrot on a stick. So, I take responsibility for my own process of feeling good about myself in the present moment.
Here’s how that works for me -in my journal each morning I take just 10 minutes or so to make a couple of lists that get my mind going in the right direction. I make a list of “Where I Got It Right” and list about 9 or 10 things I feel good about in the previous 24 hours: I went to the gym, I gave someone some encouragement, I fed myself well, I kept my word, etc. I find that this is a powerful way to cut shame off at the pass and it gets my mind focused on something positive and uplifting about myself and about my life. I also make a list 10 things called, “What Went Right” that focuses me on what was good about the previous 24 hours, rather than focusing on whatever may have pissed me off. Much more goes right on any given day than goes wrong, but some of us focus our attention on the one thing that went wrong instead of the 30 that went right. And if there are some stressful thoughts that are disturbing me I will make a list of them, very brief, just a few words of what it is without going into the story of it: worried about money, angry at my body, etc. And then, I end the list with a prayer that goes something like this:
Dear God, These are my current thoughts and feelings.
I have no idea if any of it is real or true but I do know that it’s not how I want to feel
and it’s not what I want to be focusing on.
I am now releasing it all to You so that I can be free.
If there is something that I need to know or do, reveal it to me.
I want to feel peace and joy. I want to be used by the Light today.
I want to focus on the good and to be guided by peace and love.
Heal my mind.
Amen
And so I know that shame may come up again and again as I continue down this path, but I don’t see it as something to be avoided now. I see it as a sign that in that moment I was a co-conspirator in my own imprisonment. Then I simply snip the thread and go free once more.
Jacob Glass
i've been reading/listening to jacob for over 4 years now and i can not say enough good things about him or how much he has helped me find a more peaceful way to live. i encourage everyone to read his blog. it's like a daily vitamin of support and peace!
Posted by: dls | November 13, 2008 at 02:24 PM