“For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root.” (Thoreau)
Since the spike in reporting of gay teen suicides last fall, Anti-Bullying legislation and awareness has sky-rocketed. “No-tolerance” policies and similar efforts to keep all students safe are one important way of reducing undesirable behavior, but they do not address the root causes of bullying. We think it’s a spiritual problem.
In this series, MyOutSpirit.com asks LGBTQ spiritual leaders what the root causes of bullying are and how we can heal them in our children and ourselves.
{Mary Anne Flanagan, Toning the OM}
Anytime we remove human dignity, we are bullying.
Whether in the streets of Libya or Cairo, classrooms in the inner city, college dorm rooms, or Gay Pride Parades – when we make others feel less-than with our words or actions – we are bullies. It’s the mentality of creating separation through comparison.
We have grown up with it – winter/summer, light/dark, right/left, masculine/feminine, power/vision and on and on. But maybe now is the time to release dissimilar energies and welcome complimentary opposites. This offers all of us an opportunity to look more deeply at our “us-vs-them” mentality.
In his book, Us and Them: Understanding Your Tribal Mind
According to neuroscience research, there are approximately 20,000 moments in each day. A moment is defined as the few seconds our brains record an experience. At every moment we are presented with either an opportunity or a threat. Since the beginning of time, we were more likely to view the world as a threat – survival of the fittest. But through evolution, we have learned to co-operate, collaborate, and co-habitate.
Whether in a positive psychology class, management course, or neuroscience research, there is a lot of information about the benefits of working in teams or seeing each other as opportunities over threats. We can choose opportunities which release neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (neurotransmitters that make us feel good) or we can choose threats which release cortisol (often what makes us feel defensive and even withdrawn).
When we stay angry at a person or group it not only creates an us-vs-them mentality, it can actually affect our health. According to Positive Psychology founder, Martin Seligman, forgiveness can actually increase our overall health and well-being. As Seligman says, “People who are forgiving have less anger, less depression, less hostility, and are less neurotic and less vengeful. Forgiveness increases your own happiness.”
We have all been bullied in some form or fashion. Growing up as a tomboy, I was often teased for looking and acting too masculine. I could play sports better than some boys in my class and they in turn felt threatened and lashed out with verbal put-downs. I stopped playing sports because I wanted to fit in.
Later, when I came out, I was bullied at gay pride parades and marches. I even had bottles thrown at me. But as an adult, I was able to see this as an opportunity. Now, I had the opportunity to teach others that I am not a threat to them. I could live life as an open, honest, loving gay woman. I choose to believe that my life of service, generosity, and love is meaningful and full of hope.
Our tendency may be to create more rules and laws for anti-bullying, but what if we focused on pro-love instead? When we teach kids to stop bullying, we are focusing on fear, us-vs-them. We are telling kids (and adults) how not to behave, when instead we could be teaching a more positive and proactive approach. We can teach them how to love themselves and in turn, one another. We can live with complimentary opposites. In fact, our world learns from a place of intercultural diversity, engaging dialogs, and a movement away from traditional ideas of diversity towards richer concepts of differences.
We don't need more “anti” laws. We need “pro” actions. As Byron Katie
The bottom line is you can’t change others, but you can change yourself and when you do, you can change your ideas about others, thereby creating new wiring in your brain that allows for opportunity – one that’s enveloped with actions of love.
And the truth is I can’t teach you to love – all I can do is BE love and hope you see that when love leads, love follows.
Mary Anne Flanagan is a Certified Life Coach, Shamanic Practitioner and Teacher workshop facilitator, inspired speaker, and creator of Toning the OM™. Mary Anne Flanagan/Toning the OM™: maflanagan@toningtheom.com or 917.238.9726. Visit http://www.toningtheom.com
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