By Joe Perez
What's the best way for one gay man to reject another gay man online? NYC writer and sex educator Lucas writes:
I'm beginning to think that a simple no-response response is sometimes the wisest solution, although not the most friendly or guilt-free. Unfortunately, we have created a world in which a returned 'hello' often translates through the screen as "do me" rather than a polite greeting. Friendly conversation still works in real-life interaction, of course, but if you actually engage with someone on Dudesnude, Grindr, etc., for more than a couple of exchanges, interest will be assumed and declining an offer will be even more difficult.
via Top to Bottom.
Since it's been several years since I've met anyone online or used social media to hookup, I feel a bit out of the loop. I hear there's something now called Grindr. LOL. But I doubt that I'm missing a heck of a lot.
I have enough memories of gay men's culture of rejection to last a lifetime, and have been on both the rejector/rejectee side of the fence. Maybe Lucas is right about keeping one's hookup protocol to the least offensive means possible; maybe it's best when injuring to keep the cuts quick and shallow.
At the same time, ever since reading The Soul Beneath the Skin by David Nimimons several years ago, it became clear to me that the LGBT community -- and gay men in particular -- are better served if we are also transcending a culture of rejection and not merely trying to make it less damaging.
At the individual level, it is difficult for the average person to shift a culture, but everyone can shift himself or herself. It can start one day at a time by treating other gay people just as you would want to be treated.
Don't be afraid to say "hello," and if a man says hello, don't assume he means, "do me." And don't be afraid to smile, make eye contact, or ask how someone is feeling.
This is a good start. Ultimately, what is at stake is much more important than whether our feelings get hurt or another person's feelings get hurt.
What is at stake is whether we are counterfeiting ourselves by perpetuating cycles of harm to the True Self that is in You and in Me and radiating secretly behind every facade on Grindr.
There is only one True Self, and there is a cost in wholeness to rejecting our beautiful, loving true nature. What are you avoiding by rejecting another person?
Reposted from my new weblog Soulfully gay : the blog.
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