MyOutSpirit.com Gay Spirituality Blog

Is Your Church on Manhunt?

Okay, I pick on Manhunt a lot, but would you have read the article if it was called "Is Your Church on YouTube?"  The real question is, "Are you taking your ministry to LGBTQ people or are you simply holding an affirming space if they choose to find it?"

If you want to grow your ministry and help lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people find their way back to god (however you define the terms "ministry" and "god"), then you need to consider undertaking a new mission to LGBTQ people.

Did Mother Teresa open an orphanage and then sit back and wait for people to find it?  No, she went out into the poverty-and-disease-ridden streets of Calcutta to bring unconditional love and care to those who needed it most.

In contemporary Christian circles, this approach is described as an "Incarnational Ministry" because it requires ministers to plant a new ministry where the underserved community lives.  To create an Incarnational Ministry is to enter into deep relationship with the people who need you most by moving into the neighborhood. 

You can do this literally, like Rev. Megan Rohrer, queer Lutheran minister (one of the "Bay Area Seven") and Executive Director of The Welcome, who goes on street retreats among San Francisco's homeless and plants gardens to feed the hungry.  Andrew Marin, a self-described former "straight, Bible-beating homophobe" incarnated a ministry in Chicago's Boystown, not to change anyone's sexual orientation but to build bridges, deep relationships, and to share his belief that "Love is an Orientation" (the title of his book - no, I haven't read it yet).  (Both of these folks desperately need financial support right now: Donate to The Welcome | Donate to The Marin Foundation)

You can also now incarnate a ministry virtually, by taking your mission work beyond Facebook and into the online social networks where 61.2% of men-who-have-sex-with-men (MSM) now find their first sexual partner - and millions of MSM find their next.  These sites include Manhunt.net, Adam4Adam.com and Gay.com, among many others.

Why take your church onto gay hook-up websites?  I certainly don't suggest it because I think sex between consenting adults is bad/naughty/sinful!  Don't assume every MSM on those websites needs or wants your spiritual input or support.  You should take your ministry there, not to preach against those websites and their function, but to enter into Incarnational Ministry with MSM who are in crisis.  Through my own memberships on these websites I have counseled a young gay man facing chemotherapy alone (he hadn't even told friends and family he was sick), drug addicts, escorts and prostitutes, the lonely and the suicidal. 

Many MSM on these websites are healthy, happy men just using the service to network, date and hook up.  However, many others are dealing with huge life challenges like cheating on their wives with men, coming out, coping with a health crisis, poverty, loneliness, depression, despair, or flailing about begging for someone to make them feel loved, even for just a few minutes.

I'm not saying you should create a ministerial profile on these sites and then start banging on the virtual door of anyone who you think must be in crisis - besides being rude, it might also get you kicked off by a website administrator!  But I challenge you to incarnate your ministry in these online communities; just create a profile explaining that you're available if anyone needs support or guidance, and let people in crisis come to YOU.  Use a simple photo that doesn't reveal much about how you look - you don't want them distracted by how gorgeous you are!  (And, of course, even if you don't show your pretty face, it goes without saying you'll need to be prepared to field some very angry or sexual messages.)

You know, when I published the test issue of MyOutSpirit Magazine in Austin, we distributed them for free all over town, but can you guess where they were claimed the fastest?  Gay men snapped up the copies we left in gay bars and clubs faster than anywhere else.  Our plan is to expand this print incarnational ministry to 100,000+ people in the USA in 2011.

The point is, the LGBTQ people who need you most aren't necessarily going to stumble into your church (sangha/temple/retreat center/yoga studio/counseling center) on their own.  But you can create an Incarnational Ministry right where they are, online or off.

Oh, and the other thing about Mother Teresa?  She didn't do it alone.  If you feel called to do this incarnational work, talk to your peers and members and students about it and build a team of people to go there with you!

Do you already have an LGBTQ Incarnational Ministry?  What are some that you've heard about?  Post in the comments below!

Love,

Clayton

P.S.  Another "Incarnational Ministry" that ALL LGBT-affirming body/mind/spirit resources are invited to join is just getting started on YouTube.  You are asked to make short instructional videos offering step-by-step advice to help LGBTQ youth "MAKE It Better" today.  Learn more at YouMakeItBetter.org.

P.S.  Finally (really, I promise!), you can also become a distributor of MyOutSpirit Magazine to spread LGBT-affirming inspiration and guidance in your local community.  You'll be joining a Movement of people, organizations and businesses dedicated to helping each LGBTQ person "Live Your Best Gay Life," today and for future generations.  Go ahead and sign up now at GaySpiritCulture.com.

(And if you are the dream investor we've been waiting for to take this ministry to the next level, please get in touch with me!)

 

The Spirituality of The A-List New York

Dear Mike, TJ, Derek, Ryan, Reichen, Rodiney, and Austin,

I can't say I'm a fan, but like many of my LGBT friends, I'm watching your show, The A-List New York, on LOGO.

Some people call it a guilty pleasure, some call it a train wreck into to a Prada store (or should that be a Marc Jacobs remainder sale?), but to me, The A-List just perpetuates the worst stereotypes about gay men, that we are narcissistic, fashion-obsessed, money-grubbing, elitist bitches. 

But YOU, my brothers, you are not one-dimensional stereotypes.  You are complex, breathing, emotional, talented, successful gay men trying to make the most of their lives.  In so many ways, you have the fabulous lives gay boys dream of when they're praying "It gets better."

And you're in so much pain.

You feel so alone, you feel so unworthy, and you want love so badly.  Your pain erupts in every episode - fights, judgments, fears and tears.  It's hard to watch; I don't enjoy it, but I try to use you as a mirror to work on these issues within my own life. 

I don't know what any of you believe, but the remedy to your pain is spiritual.  Physical health and beauty, financial security, solid love relationships, even therapy, will not, in and of themselves, end your pain.

Life is suffering, but there is a reason you suffer and a way for you to make it stop.

Love and Fear are struggling for dominance in all our lives.  Where Fear separates you from other people, the world around you, and the Divine, Love connects, Love heals, Love unites.  Judgment is an expression of Fear.  Criticism is an expression of Fear.  This means Bitch is an expression of Fear.

A Course In Miracles tells us that, "To the ego, the body is to attack with.  Equating you with the body, it teaches that you are to attack with."  Once you realize that you are not your body, that you and the person you were going to attack are both one with the Divine - "Children of God" - it becomes clear: attacking another is attacking yourself.  And what is there for you to defend if you are one with all that is?

I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of karma, but let me tweak how you think about it.  Karma is not the cosmic version of the Christian "Book of Life" or Santa's "Naughty or Nice" list.  Nobody's keeping track of how good or bad you are.  Karma is fundamentally about choices between Love and Fear.

"Bad karma" means you've done things to reinforce your self-concept as alone and separate from everything - choices that strengthen or defend your ego, in other words.  You accrue "bad karma" when you take actions or think thoughts based on Fear. 

But when you start to focus on Love in your thoughts and actions, it burns off that bad karma.  You do not feel alone anymore, because you are deeply connecting with other people.  You don't feel that deep, secret feeling of unworthiness anymore, because you have finally begun to love and affirm yourself.  You don't have to prove your importance to anyone by flashing your abs or your Vuitton, because you are able to rejoice in fitness and fashion without using them to separate or elevate yourself.

Right now, write on a piece of paper "I am nothing but dust and ashes" (Ani afar ve‘efer).  Place that paper in your pocket and think about it whenever your hand brushes it.  Now take another piece of paper and write on it, "The entire Universe was created just for me" (Bishvili nivra ha’olam), and place it in your other pocket.  As you meditate on both realities at the same time, you'll realize both are true.

You can choose to start focusing on Love right now.  Heal your life.  Make it better.  And do it on national television; we're all watching.

Love,

Clayton Gibson

Founder, MyOutSpirit.com

OUT Magazine Asks: Has MANHUNT Destroyed Gay Culture?

The September 2008 issue of OUT Magazine features a powerful article of interest: "Has MANHUNT Destroyed Gay Culture?" by Michael Joseph Gross.

Gross' article focuses on Manhunt.net, a site for men-who-have-sex-with-men (MSM) and the fastest growing gay website in the world, with over 1 million members and more than 400,000 unique visitors per month, all  in the USA alone - and the site serves some 100 countries. 

More importantly, the article considers how online cruising has changed gay urban social life by, for example, driving human interactions from physical spaces to virtual ones and encouraging the "pornification" of gay self-expression.   

Apparently, one UK study found that in 1993, 2.3% of gay men found their first male sex partner online; by 2003 that number had risen to 61.2%.  OUT quotes Jeffrey Klausner of the San Francisco Department of Public Health: "It means that gay men who were once socialized in brick-and-mortar establishments, surrounded by other people, are now being socialized online."

The question for conscious, spiritual LGBT people then becomes, "Is that virtual socialization creating a community of healthy, self-actualized MSM?"  The answer seems to be an obvious "No."

As Gross puts it in OUT, "If you were asked to design the perfect weapon to exploit this vulnerability as it manifests in attractive, urban gay men, you'd want something that would intensify our isolation, exaggerate our propensity to objectify ourselves - by encouraging us to believe that our purpose is to look good and have lots of sex."

Isolation.  Objectification.  Lack of genuine communication and community.  These should be issues of real concern to spiritual LGBT people, especially to LGBT-affirming body/mind/spirit resource providers like those listed on MyOutSpirit.com. 

So much of our work is about affirming that LGBT people (in this case, MSM) are so much more than just bodies - that we are not only physical/sexual, but intellectual, emotional, social and spiritual beings.  The hardest part of the job, it often seems, is convincing LGBT people themselves of that truth. 

Gross writes, "The most powerful secrets we keep on Manhunt aren't the ones we keep from the outside world.  The most powerful secrets on Manhunt are the ones we keep from ourselves.  Practically every gay man has his own version of this secret, which we learned to keep while growing up in the closet: the secret fear that, if we were truly known, we would never be loved.

"...When you came out, you did it because you wanted something," Gross continues. "Part of what you wanted was sex, but part of what you hoped for was the possibility of being loved as your true self." 

As always, online or off-line, we are choosing between Love and Fear, living fully or shrinking from our potential, shining our light or hiding it under a bushel.

I won't ruin the whole article - there's a lot more there ripe for discussion and consideration, and I hope you will choose to leave your comments on the article at OUT.com as well as in response to this post. 

With the near ubiquity of online cruising among MSM, it's important that conscious LGBT people like the readers of this Gay Spirituality Blog look directly at the problems that virtual socialization may cause and how we can remedy them before it's too late.  That said, we also have to be realistic - online social networking, cruising...these things are not going away.  We need a BOTH/AND solution, not an EITHER/OR solution.

"We need to put our heads together and try to figure out what we want normative social life to look like.  Whatever the answer turns out to be, it will involve creating social structures that serve and gratify our desire to have sex with each other and also promote and support the possibility of developing and sustaining intimate relationships."  I would add to Gross' call for our attention: whatever the answers are, they must consider the development and well-being of the WHOLE person, not only sexual and romantic.  And frankly, there's no time to waste.

“Our mission is to be a catalyst for positive, caring gay culture by supporting inner transformation, increasing definition & visibility of the emerging culture and changing what it means to be gay.”  Join us.  Join MyOutSpirit.com

Remember who you want to be at MyOutSpirit.com

25% off Gay Spirit Camp at Easton Mountain

Gay Spirit Camp will celebrate brotherhood from August 1-7, 2008, at Easton Mountain Retreat Center in New York's Hudson Valley.

Gay Spirit Camp is a time of celebration, growth and community for men who love men.  If you are coming to Easton Mountain for the first time, type "BRING A FRIEND DISCOUNT - SUNFIRE" in the comments field to receive 25% off!

Rekindle your gay spirit in the splendor of Easton Mountain, as you connect with nature, yourself and a community of friends old and new.

This six day gathering will be jam packed with a variety of workshops and events including gay spirituality, yoga, meditation, massage, creativity, life drawing, erotic healing, nature walks, sweat lodge, body painting, movement and dance, dating and romance, talent show, evening fire rituals, small group sharing, dances and much, much more. You will experience the freedom to participate in as many or as few activities as you would like with the safety to explore your personal growing edge. Gay Spirit Camp offers men a chance to establish lasting friendships within a community of sacred brothers.

The theme this year is "Telling Our Stories," featuring a special keynote address by Steve Schwartzberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with interests in meditation, spirituality, and gay men's emotional and erotic well-being.  As a practitioner in the healing arts, his professional role include psychotherapist, Sacred Intimate, and workshop facilitator.  He is an instructor with the Body Electric School and holds an attending faculty position at Harvard Medical School. He has written several books, including A Crisis of Meaning: How Gay Men are Making Sense of AIDS.

CLICK HERE to visit EastonMountain.com and to register for GAY SPIRIT CAMP at 25% off!

Join MyOutSpirit.com!

Essays on maleness by queer men sought

Here's a notice from QueerWriters.com that may be of interest to GS&C readers:

Gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer men's gender identities often exist somewhere outside the traditional categories of "masculine" and "feminine." Sissies, drag queens, and leather daddies alike play with gender in a way that cannot be accounted for in traditional understandings of maleness. This collection -- part blog, part anthology, part audiobook -- aims to shatter traditional understandings of maleness and point towards a new understanding of how queerness and gender intersect.

BEYOND MASCULINITY is looking for contributions in four key areas. Contributors should not feel bound by these categories - they should rather be seen as potential prompts:

Update on The ManKind Project

By Joe Perez

I've received great news. As I've previously noted, the ManKind Project Executive Committee has been discussing and working through issues related to the use of "reparative therapy" (techniques to attempt to change a person's sexual orientation) on some MKP trainings. The leadership has responded with an extraordinary reaffirmation of its commitment to including men of all sexual orientations and beliefs under the umbrella of this "order of men called to reclaim to the sacred masculine in our time."

MKP debates reparative therapy

By Joe Perez

UPDATED! SEE NOTES AT BOTTOM

[EDITED POST] The ManKind Project is an international men's organization that claims to be progressive and inclusive of men of all sexual orientations; however, as readers of this blog may be aware, the MKP's actions haven't always lined up with its words. In particular, the MKP's failure to disavow the use of "reparative therapy" in its officially sponsored trainings and events has sent a dangerous signal that MKP is "neutral" on the issue of the dignity of gay/bi men. And for gay/bi men looking for an organization with integrity, we can do better than supporting organizations "neutral" on our human dignity.

In response to a new comment on this blog from Cliff: as a member of MKP, I am aware of absolutely no progress on the issue of MKP's implicit support of (unlicensed and possibly illegal) "reparative psychotherapy" on its officially sponsored events. Since some men in some MKP communities have co-opted MKP trainings as vehicles for ex-gay therapies, this failure of leadership is particularly frustrating. I have in the past contacted Carl Griesser, the Executive Director of the MKP, regarding this issue, and I know many other gay/bi men who have also done so, but MKP has taken no action in nearly a year....

Gay men and masculinity

Gay men have an ambivalent attitude towards masculinity. The word comes up all the time in personal ads – you know, “masculine guy seeks same.” We often equate masculine with sexy. At the same time, many gay men privately worry they are somehow deficient in the manliness department, no matter how much time they spend at the gym.

So what is masculinity, anyway – a hairy chest and the ability to change the oil in your car yourself? Being congenitally unable to ask for directions when lost? Can you be “too masculine?” Is being a top somehow more masculine than being a bottom?

Brokeback Mountain

I saw the film this past weekend. I’m not going to attempt to review it; excellent reviews can be found almost everywhere. (A highly perverse review from the Traditional Values harpies can be read here).  Suffice it to say that it’s a very good flick and well worth your time and the price of admission. I read the short story before seeing the movie, and I thought the movie was faithful to the writing -- just expanding on it a bit here and there. I'm haunted by the film and eager to see it again.

Here in Atlanta Brokeback Mountain is showing in only one Midtown theater, although it’s showing on three screens. As far as I can tell, every screening was sold out all weekend. I’ve been going to this multiplex since it opened, and this is the first time I couldn’t find a place to park anywhere in the shopping center.  It's clear that the gay community has been very eager to see this story on the screen.

I've been very interested in reading reviews about the film. I think it's a good pulse-taking about how gay men are understood in society, or at least by film critics. The review have been positive, I think, but even then some writers couldn't resist nervous jokes about "gay caballeros" or "yippee yi oh ki gay."  This struck me as less homophobic than childish and over-anxious.

So much has been made of the "on-screen sodomy" that I was take aback (OK, a little disappointed) by how demure it was, really. So much attention has been paid to the sexual aspect of the connection between the characters, I suppose because people are astonished that two presumably straight male actors would agree to kiss for the entire world to see. But the story was about love, not sex. Typical; much of society looks at same-sex love and sees only "sodomy."

Beyond anything gay, though, I was struck by how the film explored masculinity and the other relationships between men. Other than the relationship between Ennis and Jack, all the relationships between men in the film were just cold and brutal. It is a bleak look at masculinity.

I’ve spoken with several people this week that identified with Ennis, the film’s shut-down main character. They spoke about how before coming out, life felt much like the one portrayed by this sad cowboy. I felt much the same, and am spending these days appreciating the 23-year-old version of me that faced down some big fears so long ago in order to make a happier life possible.

--John Ballew
  www.bodymindsoul.org

MKP, International Men's Organization, Torn Between Affirming Gays and Ex-Gays

Is The ManKind Project Out of Integrity?

The ManKind Project (MKP) is an international men's organization devoted to encouraging men to have "lives of integrity" and "reclaiming the sacred masculine in our time." MKP sponsors weekend-long trainings called the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA) that have initiated tens of thousands of men since the mid 1980s. The latest challenge faced by the MKP, according to internal organizational e-mails received by this author (a member of the organization), threatens to rip the organization apart along the lines of sexual orientation. Not straight men versus gay men. But gay men versus so-called "ex-gay" men who consider themselves to be suffering from the disease of unwanted same-sex attraction (SSA). The SSA men use the NWTA as an event to "repair" their "damaged masculinity," and often enthusiastically promote it as a part of reparative therapy programs.

A recent event that garnered significant attention within MKP was an e-mail broadcast to 6,000 members across the globe. Usually such widely distributed e-mails are limited to leader trainings and other significant, officially sponsored activities. However, in this case, an e-mail was distributed promoting a presentation by Joe Nicolosi at a men's group in Los Angeles. The e-mail praised Nicolosi as the "foremost authority on reparative therapy" and touted his biography including the presidency of the National Association into the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality and speaking at Focus on the Family functions. "It will be a respectful meeting not a debate or challenge to Joe," said the e-mail.