MyOutSpirit.com Gay Spirituality Blog

Thought for the Day, MLK Day, 2008

"All you require is You, and your ability to think things into being.  Everything that has been invented and created throughout the history of humankind began with one thought.  From that one thought a way was made, and it manifested from the invisible into the visible."

"Take the first step in faith.  You don't have to see the whole staircase.  Just take the first step."   ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr

Blindness

Going blind seems to be one of the most terrifying things to experience—for it isn’t swift. For most, I assume, going blind is a slow process of fading into darkness, an ever-constant attempt to hold onto the light beams of a sunset, the mineral-like specks in your love’s eyes and the unabashed smile of your grandchild lying in its crib.

But often we are blind. Blind through our desperations as we feel the presence of our love and we ache because he is not there. And when he is there, we ache because we fell in love. And, because of its nature, this love will not break down a wall that keeps me from his heaven and him from mine. So he goes. When he comes again, the memories will be new, and I will be blind, and the ache will persist.

We are blind as we move through life, being caught by the moments that steal us from reality. And, in these moments, we are freed to dream. And I do. I dream in every freeing moment, and my only justifications are the times when I am blind and I fall—fast, hard, into a kind world. So I am here. In a reality that is kinder than a dream; a reality in which I can live with open eyes. And yet, I stay blind, unaware, and restless.

I’ve lost sight of many things in the past 6 months. I have changed paths—blindly. I have been moving so fast. Speed and blindness are a horrible mix, thus, I have crashed many times. I have crashed my foundation and I reach out my walking cane to find the nearest formation of integrity. In moving blindly, I was forced to react as I ran into barriers. Reacting is a poor way to move through life. I have lost awareness and all that has appeared before has been a hazy gust of people, parties and opportunities in which, all I wanted was to return to Brandon.

I scratched both of my corneas three days ago by pulling off contacts that had dried to my eyeballs in the night. The right contact took a piece of my eyeball with it. I went partially blind for two days. I was unable to open my eyes in bright lights or daylight or for an extended period of time and before I realized that this pain would not continue forever, I contemplated the idea of blindness and went from deep fear to embracing it. Not being able to see, ironically, opened my eyes. I noticed that in not being aware I was missing out on so much—so much! And in not being aware, I was allowing things to happen to me and allowing me to happen to me in ways that were reactionary and unintentional. I don’t want to live that way. There are too many wonderful dreams to dream, people to know and goodness to share to live without intention — awareness -- sight. The world is here for us to explore together with eyes wide open.

We are held as we learn to see with ever peaceful moment, every gentle whisper. We can feel the arms of tomorrow lift us as we wade in the wind. And we can breathe longer and deeper as we notice the perfect feel of every second of every day.

Namaste.

Brandon Rolph Kneefel

luminosity

 

Chicks break out of their shells because they’re dying.  When the fetal chicken is mature, the egg fills with a toxic gas and the chick inside must break out or die.  It seems harsh, but the chick’s passage from incubation to self-salvation and finally into the light is a rite of passage we all must make.  Same-gender-loving and Transgender people have been encased in oppression’s shell and repression’s closet for too long, and this is the moment for us to break out into a new life of equality, community, and joy.

Hiding in the shell is tempting—even if it means remaining disempowered and unfulfilled, frightened and angry, stuck, bitter and wounded—because the inside of the cramped porcelain oval is familiar and safe in it’s own way:  the shell insulates as well as restrains.  What’s outside is unknown, and it seems like once you’re out there, you’ll be more vulnerable.  Of course the truth is that the blind, embryonic creature trapped in darkness is far more vulnerable than the vocal, mobile animal able to roam in the light.

The egg is filling up with gas, and it’s time for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people to make a choice:  red pill or blue pill?  Do we want to continue as we are, or do we choose transformation, wisdom, and actualization? Shall we keep trying to achieve equal rights, recognition and respect by demanding change, or shall we create genuine, lasting change by embodying change?

The leaders of history’s successful social change movements have already told us the answer: the end is inherent in the means; inner transformation precedes outer transformation; and, we must be the change we wish to see in the world. 

Still and Know

"Come up, O lions, and shake off the delusion you are sheep.  You are souls immortal, spirits free, blessed and eternal."  ~Vivekananda

One day, the devil and his friend were walking down the street.  Ahead of them, they saw a man bend down, pick something up off the ground and stuff it eagerly into his pocket.  "What was that?" asked the devil's friend. "Oh, that was a piece of the Truth," said the devil.  "Well, that's bad news for you, isn't it?" said the friend.  "Not at all," the devil said with a smirk. "I'm going to let him organize it."

On our spiritual journeys as Lesbian, Gay, Bi-affectionate and Transgender people, some of the most insidious illusions that arrest our progress are the trappings of organized religion.  For many of us that were expelled from the garden of our faith tradition because of our gender identity or sexual orientation, the struggle to return takes over our thinking about religion and spirituality.  But return to what?  Too often we are content to return to the rituals, the community or the drag of our faith tradition-overcoming those who thought they could hold us back or keep us out-but fail to engage our lives and souls in a transformational relationship with the Divine.  We claim the words, but not the power; we celebrate the customs, but avoid the practice; we bind ourselves to institutions, but drown out the Spirit; we sketch vast architectures, but remain blind to the Truth.

It's not that religious traditions are bad, quite the contrary.  Beautiful buildings, colorful fabrics, smoke, crackers, cadences and harmonies are all nice things to have, but if they do not facilitate the deepening of individuals' consciousnesses, if they do not simplify instead of complicate, transform instead of translate, if they do not, like language, point beyond themselves, if they do not lay bare our true selves, then they are all of them empty, valueless barriers to the evolutionary maturation of the human spirit toward God. 

The simple truth is - and you can stop reading after this is you want since the rest will just say this with more words - the simple truth is that salvation, enlightenment and inner peace can only be found by going inward, and never by rummaging through what's outside. 

"If your leaders tell you, 'the kingdom of God is in the sky,' then the birds will get there before you.  If they say that it is under the sea, the fish will enter and will precede you.  I say unto you that the kingdom of God is inside you and outside you and all around you. Whosoever knows oneself will find the kingdom.  And when you know yourselves, you will know that you are the children of the living God," says Jesus in The Gospel of Thomas. How do we come to know our true selves?  We become still, quiet and fully present.  We close our mouths, block off our senses, blunt our sharpness, untie our knots, soften our glares, and settle our dust. Only then can we know our primal identity.  Only then can we hear the still, small voice of Spirit.  Only then are we open to the action of Spirit.  Only then are we available for the great work of transformation.

There are many techniques that can support this transformation, from centering and contemplative prayer to yoga, Zen meditation and Vedanta.  The goals of a transformative spiritual practice are self-realization and partnership with the Divine. 

Of course, self-realization and partnering with the Divine mean exploring parts of ourselves and parts of God that we wish weren't there.  Only when we become fully conscious of the web of assumptions and beliefs that we have constructed about the world and about ourselves-a web in which we now are caught-are we forced to dismantle our illusions.  Then we learn to see what lies within us and what lies outside us as they really are; only then are we able to interact with the world as it is and not as we imagine it to be.  "Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease," cautions Lao-tzu in Tao Te Ching. "Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."

Unfortunately, queer people are as skilled at avoiding this kind of conflict with our own minds' constructions as we are adept at confronting the discriminatory traditions and values of our society and many religions.  This conflict is so primal, so radical-to change not only the public translation of spiritual values but to transform our very understanding of reality-that part of us wants to escape it.  The loud, pushy voice of ego keeps our focus outside of ourselves-driving us to change things on the surface of the phenomenal world.  Any kind of fundamental questioning, any opportunity for deep, inner quiet, threatens to shatter the concepts of what the self is and how the universe operates upon which we base every thought and decision!  Many of us think, subconsciously or not, that we just don't want to know that much.

I've certainly seen this hesitance in myself; it took me years to pick up a Ken Wilber book because I knew I just couldn't handle having my worldview challenged that much.  The last time I confronted my Dad about the religious reasons for his disapproval of my marriage, he emotionally responded to my informed exegesis of scripture with, "I don't want to hear it.  I need to believe what I believe."  It's true of most of us. Our entire lives are constructed around certain assumptions about how things work and why.  We want our understanding of Spirit and our experience of the world to be static things that after you get them once, they never change.  Unfortunately, as time goes on and human beings learn more and more about the universe and human nature and how they operate, our personal understanding has to change or we become fossils of an outmoded worldview.  Our development becomes arrested: full stop.  Just because a way of being has become comfortable doesn't mean it's correct.

In fact, we usually become more and more uncomfortable as we become closer and closer to Spirit through meditation and prayer.  First, "We see that God is not a drug or an instantaneous bliss maker," explains Julia Mossbridge, gifted author of Unfolding: The Perpetual Science of Your Soul's Work. "We discover that our lives are not the sole item on God's agenda. Partnering with God is not about developing an ethereal, airy-fairy relationship with some force of Love.  It is about developing an intimate, everyday, every-moment-of-every-day friendship in which you are with God all the time: while doing volunteer work, making a speech, singing in a choir, dancing at your wedding, getting in a fist-fight, eating the third plate of nachos, cursing at pedestrians.  All the time."

"It is a call to follow Jesus out of all the structures, security blankets, and even spiritual practices that serve as props. They are all left behind insofar as they are part of the false self system…The false self is an illusion," says prominent Christian contemplative, Father Thomas Keating in Open Mind, Open Heart. In short, when we become fully, deeply present-as we begin to recognize our true selves and look God in the eye-we get the rug pulled out from under us. 

It's not a bad thing, although we have a low tolerance for discomfort.  Getting shaken up is just evidence of our rising up.  If our feet stayed firmly planted on the rug of our conventional understanding, our feet would never leave the ground. Groundlessness is inherent in the process.  Just as there must be silence for Spirit to be audible, there has to be space in our thoughts and beliefs for Truth to manifest.  Groundlessness wipes away our preconceptions. Pema Chodron explains in The Places That Scare You that as we become used to this insecurity, "To the extent that we stop struggling against uncertainty and ambiguity, to that extent we dissolve our fear."

There is no fear in love.  When groundlessness cultivates our fearlessness, we encounter our own genuinely loving nature, and we become available for open-minded, whole-hearted interaction with the universe.  As gay Christian mystic Jim Marion puts it in Putting on the Mind of Christ, "All we need to do to be 'saved' is to consciously realize who we have been all along.  We need to realize our own divinity, own it, take up the responsibility of it, and live it." 

If Transgender, Bisexual, Lesbian and Gay women, men and young people do not awaken to our full responsibility, to our fulfillment, our empowerment, then our natural function as human beings in society will continue to be frustrated, obstructed and disjoint.  The possibility for our final emancipation, legitimation and liberation will wither if LGBT people do not unmask and become more present to others, in service to others, and bring the gentle qualities of Spirit to the details of living. 

These universal qualities of Spirit-love, compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, humility, contentment, responsibility and harmony-will help us transform straight communities into just and sustainable environments that nurture whole, mindful and evolving individuals.  Our awakening of spiritual and emotional intelligence will be the thunder that cracks their slumber.  Our care and service will rain down and wash away the dark stains of hate and prejudice.  Our radical realization will be the Shirt of Flame that burns bushels and allows our inner lights to shine. 

Thank God our time is now when wrong
Comes up to face us everywhere,
Never to leave us 'til we take
The longest stride of soul men ever took.
Affairs are now soul size.
The enterprise is exploration into God.
Where are you making for? It takes
So many thousand years to wake,
But will you wake for pity's sake?
~Christopher Fry, A Sleep of Prisoners

My Apologies

Forgive me: I've not been living up to my commitment to GS&C Blog. In fact, I've not been living up to my commitment to my own blog: a lot of things have been weighing on me and I have continually deleted nearly everything I've written. I've deemed each post unnecessarily snarky or needlessly critical. I don't say this to up my pride points... but to note where my brain is. The snarkiness is not caused by my work or my love life or my health or my social life (there's always room for change and growth, but nothing is abnormally wrong just now): I'm wading through some interesting choices. Until I make them it's not going to get any easier.

The following questions make this process sound urgent and important: How does one integrate a realisation of the reality of (unanswerable) questions with a strong sense that some things are really true (but maybe not "scientifically' provable)? How does one integrate a sense of personal responsibility for what the "still small voice" is saying in one's heart with a strong distaste for the homophobia and anal retentiveness of the majority of people who claim to hear that same voice?

The following two questions are, perhaps more important, and more realistic: How does one get over one's prideful and negative judgement of the small group of people who claim to hear that same voice, agree with one on most things and, in the areas they disagree leave room for one to believe the promptings of his own heart? How does one get over one's prideful and negative judgement of the conservative majority and embrace both parts with love?

Some half-formed ideas are circulating through my head on all of this. I feel as though I've painted myself into a corner and, while waiting for the paint to dry I risk swooning from the fumes.

My co-religionists will tell me to bring this to my priest - don't worry, I've an appointment on Friday. But I wonder where readers go when they get into a corner? Is it easy to back out? Does your pride trip you up? What do you do? When I was involved in neopaganism, this would be a time for me to sit down with my teacher and ask her for a tarot consultation. Given that such oracles are forbidden to Christians, I'm a little short-staffed in that department.

So where now?

Spiritual cross-training

A few years ago, through the gifts of desperation and drug addiction, I had the luxury of unplugging from the rat race and immersing myself into a recovery community in South Florida. Not only did I devote myself to the principles and practice recovery, but I was also drawn, intuitively, to a variety of complimentary practices and exercises that I felt would help in my recovery.

Cultivating sensuality in Tuscany: a retreat for gay men facilitated by John Ballew and Don Shewey

June 17-24, 2006

Don and I believe that in today's fast-paced world, where hard-working people spend their days harnessed to computers and cell phones, it is spiritually rewarding to take time to refine simple pleasures. This is the sixth year we will travel to Italy to explore the natural world of the senses, to inquire into what it means to have a good life, and to expand both intimacy and self-awareness in the company of other open-hearted men.

Picking up the million little pieces

Addiction is a vehicle for spiritual transformation. This truth was recognized centuries ago through the Chinese philosophical concept of “Wu Li” – namely, that crisis equals both opportunity and danger. The danger, of course, is that the addict breaks down totally and dies – but addiction also presents the opportunity for transcendence to a higher state of conscious awareness and freedom.

Sweeping my side of the street

In considering what to write in my first entry to this blog, I reviewed the posts from other writers over the past few months. I was in awe over the level of political and social awareness, and how passionately these contributors tackled their subject matters. I felt insecure, as if I wouldn’t be able to contribute any similar-such informed content.

Why gay marriage is scary

This is just a brief thought, prompted by recollection of my past as a wanna-be ex-gay.  I remember, several years ago, before the Massachussetts decision, contemplating the state of our culture with dread.  My fear was not the icky gay people--I sympathized with couples wanting to have financial and legal protection--it was that society would stop hating me.