The M Word (Monogamy)

SOULFULLY GAY

By Joe Perez

Today many gays celebrate non-monogamous lifestyles. Others believe in following a more traditional path. Is there a way to bring all the opposing attitudes and beliefs about monogamy together in a way that respects the truths of both sides? I believe there is.

The majority of gay men, it seems, see the defects of sexually exclusive relationships. We would agree with Oscar Wilde, who quipped that “bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

David Nimmons tries to pin down the numbers regarding gay men and monogamy in The Soul Beneath the Skin: The Unseen Hearts and Habits of Gay Men (St. Martin’s Press, 2002). He says that between 40 and 50 percent of gay men are in committed couples at any given time. Studies of gay male couples have shown that as many as 75 percent are non-monogamous.

In 1992, British researchers found many gay male couples begin as monogamous, but after five years, 72 percent of gay male couples were non-monogamous. Other researchers have found that sexual jealousy is lower for coupled gay males than for straight men in heterosexual pairings.

Nimmons’ approach to the issue of monogamy is to celebrate the gay male lifestyle as a cultural innovation that can even serve as a model for spicing up the sex lives of heterosexuals. He approvingly quotes a British gay liberation text: “Our heterosexual detractors betray their limited vision by their mistaken assumption that promiscuity is incompatible with lasting relationships.”

Nimmons also describes a gathering of 100 men discussing the “gay rescripting of monogamy” at a conference of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. The men were all in open relationships and began to exchange tips and stories.

“We only do it in three-ways,” said one man. “It’s OK if neither of you knows the person,” said another. “Just on our designated ‘boys’-night-out,” said one couple. “Only when we travel,” another couple remarked.

Not all gay men are suited for non-monogamous lifestyles. Michael Shernoff authored a case study for a psychological journal called “Monogamy and Gay Men: When are open relationships a therapeutic option?” He shared the story of Peter and Luis, a gay couple who had been together for 10 years.

Peter and Luis loved each other and wanted to stay together, but their love life was lacking in frequency and intensity. They usually had sex about twice a month and didn’t feel much passion with each other. In couples’ therapy they began to explore a variety of options for overcoming their dissatisfaction.

They contemplated opening their relationship, but they both feared that doing so would lead to a breakup. They also didn’t want to become like another gay couple they knew, a couple who always seemed to have a third man in their bedroom.

After some time in therapy, they decided to have a one-time experiment with non-monogamy. They set ground rules and brought a third man into their bedroom. The experience wasn’t as exciting as they hoped, and jealous feelings on the part of both Peter and Luis got in the way. They decided together not to try it again.

Peter and Luis made a choice in their relationship that few gay activists would disparage. However, in practice, it is common for gay writers to attack the traditional rules and strictures associated with monogamous relationships even while claiming that they are respectful of the choices made by more traditional folks.

David Nimmons, for example, suggests that “cheating” and “betrayal,” key notions for the monogamous, are inhumane. He writes: “What if married couples felt less stigma about naming what statistics tell us that so many of them already do? Might we one day erase the words ‘cheating’ and ‘betrayal’ from the matrimonial script? Indeed, might the very concepts slowly evaporate from a more humane marital vocabulary?”

I’m suggesting that there is a way to move beyond the divide between the monogamous and the non-monogamous, a way between the preachers of traditional values and the advocates of queer cultural innovation.

The key is to grasp that there are three major stages of gay male relationships. In this notion, I am inspired by the work of the spiritual writer David Deida, author of Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence (Health Communications, Inc., 1995).

In the first stage, gay male relationships are characterized by a desire for fluid and polymorphously perverse sexual play with multiple partners, and/or sexual role playing based on power dynamics (fetish, sadomasochistic play, etc.) Non-monogamy is celebrated as a good thing, and monogamy is seen as monotony.

In the second stage, gay male relationships are characterized by a desire for a balanced relationship with one primary partner, usually in a conventional marriage/domestic partnership. Monogamy is upheld as the paragon of virtue, and non-monogamous liaisons are forbidden.

In the third stage, our relationships are characterized by a desire for deep intimacy and passionate sexual aliveness that may be found with one or more partners in conventional or unconventional (fetish, BDSM, polyamorous, etc.) relationships. Monogamy and non-monogamy are both recognized as playing important roles in the development of a mature sexuality.

The problem with gay advocates of non-monogamy isn’t that they’re wrong about the goodness of gay sex in the context of open relationships. The problem is that they fail to recognize that there are multiple stages of development in sexual relationships, so they don’t get that monogamy offers valuable lessons for everyone, even the gay community.

The way beyond the divide between the monogamous and the non-monogamous is to see that there is truth on both sides. At certain stages in our sexual development, having multiple partners or just one are both suitable lifestyle choices. Ultimately it’s not about the number of partners, but the maturity of the lovers.

"Soulfully Gay” is a bi-weekly column that explores spirituality and culture from a gay man’s perspective. Send feedback to joe@writingwolf.com or visit Joe’s Web site at joe-perez.com.

For another perspective on this topic, see Joe Kort's excellent article "Monogamous Ever After" on this blog.

Comments

[Kenneth Hemmerick]

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[Buddy Willimson]

What many activist do not realize is that many of the norms of society are, in fact, good things. Monogamy being seen as almost absurd is possibly one of them.!? I've been an activist for many of my years and have seen way too many mistakes made by high drama activist simply rebelling against "the norm". It takes a true man/woman to think things through instead of simply being mad and repulsed against anything heterosexual.

[pennyjane]

i don't know how that last comment has anything to do with the article in question, but i wish you well.

as we celebrate the new way of reading the law in california recognizing the right of homosexuals to join the mainstream in the holy right of matrimony, i'm terribly disappointed to keep hearing about any virtue associated with non-monogamy. sorry, joe, but i strongly disagree with your thesis. i believe that the mature relationship is beyond sexual in practice, but celebratory of the sexual experience within the bond of matrimony.

as i christian i can quote scripture in saying that we cannot serve two masters. we cannot have a fullfilled relationship with one while we share our most intimate selves with another, or others. when we devalue sex it loses it's value, very unfortunate. i don't see how sex can ever reach it's potential as a most sarcedly relaized gift if one takes it as just another form of play.

i do so hope that those in california who do take the oath of marriage live up to it, celebrate it and hold it with the sanctity it represents. God bless us all with much love and hope, pj

[keyWestGayGuy]

I was "married" to a wonderful man for 15 years. Sexy and handsome. A witty man. We were in a one on one relationship for 10 of those years. After we closed our relationship our relationship improved greatly. It is not the act of sex with other people that can distroy a relationship, but the time spent away from your primary relationship that can distroy it.

You need to spend time together in order to develope a relationship that is deep and profound. If you and your other half are always looking for sex with other people than you are not working on your relationship.

I was in an awful relationship for too long after my husband died. He was always picking up men to have sex with. He would do this at home and on vacation. Leaving us little or no time to develope a deeper relationship. He was older than me and would tell me that sex with other men would keep him young. I guess he did not know how life really works. No matter how many men you have sex with you will still grow old and die. Fact of life. Now he is alone living with his father.

I on the other hand live in a beautiful community and focus only on single men. No men for me that are in relationships. Boring and unproductive.

So for all you married couples who like to pick up single men to play with. Times are a changing. Some of us don't want it. Go home and make love to your partner and leave me to the single guys out there.

Key West Guy

[Doug]

I dated and wanted to build a life with a man for 12 years. It seemed he was always looking for something more sexually but had always come back to me saying that I was his best sexual partner. On my part this created a great deal of problems. I had lost my first lover to HIV because he insisted upon sex with other men and unportected sex. He died. Since then I have been more interested in a monogamous relationship but have been unable to find anyone interested in those benifits. It is not the act of sex but the time spent away from your primary relationship that is harmful. We all like to have that hot night. But my goal is to share a life without the worry of sickness and death.