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« 25% off Gay Spirit Camp at Easton Mountain | Main | Gay spirituality vs. everybody spirituality: A new closet? »

July 29, 2008



sometimes we feel we have been so badly wronged we may believe forgiveness to be impossible. for ourselves alone that may be true. over a lifetime of abuse and misunderstanding we may harden ourselves to the point of not even accepting forgiveness for ourselves

during my early years i was treated horribly by my mother. my entire being was disgusting to her because i believed myself to be female while possessing a penis. this along with having had a stepmother for nine years who loved me very much and whom i loved back made about every feeling my mother had towards me negative. her feelings toward me hurt me so badly. every time i saw a typical mother with her child i felt cut to the mother i was worse then useless, i was a detriment. her feelings towards me have not changed to this very day...and it still hurts me badly; knowing she doesn't love me.

about ten years ago during one of those times when something had happened to bring mom's lack of love for me to the surface i finally had all i could take. it came down to i was either going to defeat her ill feelings or let them destroy me. i began to pray. i prayed and prayed...i really begged God to make her love me...even just a little. the more i prayed the more aware i became that God was not going to make her love me; nothing was going to do that. so eventually i just had to face the fact that love from her was just not in the cards.

when that happened, when i'd cried myself empty and had fully felt the crushing weight of the past and empty future come together as one i hit bottom. that's when God gifted me with forgiveness: first He forgave me for all the bitterness i'd let build up in me over the loss, then He put forgiveness in my heart and i felt His unconditional love wash me and i then could forgive, love and accept my mother for who she is. not much has been the same in my life since. i can still be hurt but i always know that the hurt i'm feeling will be consumed by love and forgiveness will heal me...again and again and again.

much love and hope, pj

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